


why won't you love me? (i hold onto you and you hold onto me)

by alyse_writes



Series: New Girl AU [2]
Category: New Girl (TV 2011), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe-Modern Setting, Ben is soft, Bisexual Ben, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Gen, Getting Together, HEA Guaranteed, Halloween, Haunted House, Hux and rose have crushes in each other in the background, I don’t have a beta because I’m new here so like errors probably, Implied/Referenced Cancer, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Poe runs a haunted house theme park thing, Rey sings Taylor swift to a small child, and probably everything I will ever write, based on “Halloween” episode of New Girl, ben and Rey are like 29 and 27 here, ben took on a mind of his own a bit here, ben unironically loves one direction in this, ben would adopt every teenager if he could, fade to black sexual innuendo at best, lots of characters are referenced but like just a mention, rated m for mature to be safe, rey is dr sam and ben is jess, sabine but as a child, this got much longer than I expected
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:02:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27687316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alyse_writes/pseuds/alyse_writes
Summary: “You all need to lock your door. Brooklyn isn’t safe enough for that,” it was Rey. Ben broke eye contact with Jannah to smile down at her. He still couldn’t believe he had met her and that she wanted anything to do with him.Even if it was just for sex.-or-Ben and Rey are friends with benefits until they're not.
Relationships: Armitage Hux & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Armitage Hux & Phasma & Kylo Ren, Armitage Hux/Rose Tico, Ben Solo & Rose Tico, Jannah & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Kaydel Ko Connix & Ben Solo, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, but like barely - Relationship, except reylo it's more background than anything
Series: New Girl AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1988074
Comments: 8
Kudos: 41
Collections: Who's that ship? It's Reylo!





	1. few drinks deep at a table for one

**Author's Note:**

> I loved being part of this collection and I especially love this episode of New Girl so hopefully, this lives up to both.
> 
> title based on 5SOS song of the same name
> 
> I will add my mood board after the we go off anonymous :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> moodboard by me  
> come hang out with me on twitter: @alysewrite

**moodboard by me**

\---

Halloween was Ben’s favorite holiday. It always had been, but this was a bit much, even for him. Poe Dameron was a demon who Ben owed a favor to, or close enough. Dameron was, unfortunately, one of his best friends and he owned a haunted house outside the city that ran from mid-September to October. So, he had asked Ben to... participate in it.

“It’s not like you have anything else left to do until your next contracts start in November,” Poe had lured him out to drinks and went in for the kill.

“I don’t want to spend six weeks being nocturnal and wearing a weird costume and makeup.”

“You don’t have to wear the makeup, I bought this cool- well, I think it’s an executioner costume but it’s got a helmet. But, you don’t have to wear the makeup and you get paid,” Poe wasn’t not begging him, he wasn’t. He just needed someone this costume fit.

“My last contract paid for the new carousel at the house, Poe. I don’t need the money.”

“Dude, I went and packed your underwear when Tai destroyed you last year. Please just wear the executioner costume and terrify teenagers for me,” Ben knew Poe didn’t want to pull that card but it was an effective one. He took a deep breath.

“Fine Poe. How much am I getting paid for this though?”

“Fifty bucks a night and free food... plus t-shirts and whatever other merch I can order.”

“I am going to regret this so much,” at least, that’s how he felt until about two weeks into it. Now, he was terrorizing Loft 3B.

“BENJAMIN SOLO, take your scary executioner outfit off, and don’t leave your scythe in the hallway,” Jannah was going to use that scythe to kill him and no one could fault her. Kaydel and Rose had already constructed an elaborate alibi for them. He had been lurking in the corners of the loft to jump out at them. The apartment lived in fear of the glowing red and black mask.

“Thank God, you’re in the last couple days of this,” Rose heaved out. Ben had been hiding in the pantry when she was trying to make pasta. She was just trying to grab the fettuccine when the room started glowing red and she saw him crouching his large frame in the corner.

“I don’t know, I might ask Poe if I can keep it.”

“ABSOLUTELY NOT,” Kaydel was losing her cool. A knock sounded at the door.

“THE DOOR IS OPEN,” everyone screamed. The standoff in the kitchen wasn’t over. They all stared at each other while footsteps made their way through the loft.

“You all need to lock your door. Brooklyn isn’t safe enough for that,” it was Rey. Ben broke eye contact with Jannah to smile down at her. He still couldn’t believe he had met her and that she wanted anything to do with him.

Even if it was just for sex.

\---

_“Ben, you need to make a dating profile. It’s been six months since Tai,” Hux had been at the apartment for half an hour and had roped Rose into his crusade._

_“I don’t need to date, Hux. I have you, the loft, my job-”_

_“Ben, you’re a hopeless romantic. You watched A Walk To Remember eighteen times the week you moved in. It’s okay to want to get back out there,” Rose was going for subtle. She would ask for his opinion on her profile, his opinion on the different men she found, anything to make him consider dating again. She even took him to the farmer’s market once. That was a disaster._

_“I just, I don’t want to meet someone on a dating app. I don’t have any good photos,” Hux and Rose shared a look. Tai had done a number on Ben’s confidence. After he found out Tai had been cheating, he ended up back in therapy to deal with his new insecurities but, some of them still lingered._

_“I don’t text well. I just want to meet someone out in the world,” and he did. Well, sort of._

_Everyone ended up at The Cantina, a bar close to the loft. It wasn’t ever really crowded, but the drinks were cheap and they had delicious grilled cheese sandwiches. Ben sat at the bar laughing as Kaydel and Rose tried to make Hux learn the Cupid Shuffle._

_“Are you Matt? It’s me, Rey,” Ben looked up at where the feminine, British voice came from. He almost choked on his drink. She was beautiful but so small. She could look him in the eye with him sitting on the short stools. His brain was thinking so fast that he almost forgot to answer her question, he wanted to be anything for her._

_“Yes, yeah, that’s me,” he choked out._

_“Ah, lovely. We’ve been chatting for so long I thought we’d never get here,” then his brain caught up. His name was decidedly not Matt. But, he was in._

_“Yeah, so many messages,” he trailed off._

_“How’s your mum? I know you said you had lunch with her the other day,” she was sweet, he thought. He could see every moment of their future. A brownstone in Brooklyn, curly brown-haired babies, Hux and Rose, if they got their shit together, babysitting so they could go to museums, the whole nine yards. So, tomorrow, he would have to go change his name at the courthouse. His mom couldn’t be too mad, not if it got her a daughter-in-law, right? He had time before his 10 AM Zoom call with Ahch-To & Associates, well, he would make time for this. _

_“She’s good. She’s just very busy right now,” he said. At least it wasn’t another lie. Rey hummed at his response._

_“So, you want to get out of here?” Ben was going to need better health insurance because she was going to kill him. All he could do was nod his head like a fucking bobblehead._

_“Thank God, you’re still okay with this?” Rey could have asked him to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge and he probably would have said yes._

_“You said you live close to here, right? I don’t want a relationship but I miss sex,” the record scratch that happened in his brain had to be audible. She grabbed his hand and led him out of the bar. At that moment, every version of himself began fighting for dominance inside his head. His fifteen-year-old self was screaming at him to go with it. Rey was everything he had ever fantasized about. The small piece of him that would always be Tai’s whispered that this was too good to be true and to look at where the last lies led him. The voice that was suspiciously similar to Poe’s said to take it and run with it._

_“My name isn’t Matt. I’m not Matt,” he blurted out, “but you’re very pretty, and if you want to, I live two blocks away from here.” She stepped away and stared at him._

_“This isn’t a relationship.”_

_“I know.”_

_“I only want sex.”_

_“I gathered that.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“Okay? I’m not Matt?”_

_“I don’t care what your name is or anything else about you.” With that, she surged up and Ben met her in the middle. It was an eternity and no time at all for him when she pulled back._

_“Let’s go…”_

_“Ben, I’m Ben.”_

_“Take me home Ben.”_

\---

So, for the last two months, he and Rey had an insane amount of sex. Usually preceded or followed by food. She was another reason he convinced Poe to let him bring the costume home and she was the reason no other person should ever be allowed to wear the costume again, for health reasons. They only saw each other at the loft or her house and whatever restaurant or bar they met at. But, Rey had left the pepper spray he got her at the loft. So, today, he would see Rey in her natural habitat. He pulled into the visitor parking at Naberrie Children’s Hospital and took a deep breath. He grabbed the coffees he brought, her things, and wrapped his scarf around his neck.

Ben looked at the text Rey sent with step-by-step directions. They included gems like “take a right by the blue Christmas tree if you get to the orange one you’ve gone too far” and “my office is two doors and one bulletin board past the aquarium with seventeen goldfish and one castle sculpture in it”. It made Ben’s heart flutter around his chest. Rey had hidden so much of herself when they had first started, but now everything seemed to be leaking out of her walls and Ben soaked it all in.

The way that golden hour hit her eyes like a kaleidoscope.

The way she held her breath when he kissed her forehead.

The way she could spend hours ranting about Galaxy Trek, even though she knew how much he loved Galaxy Wars.

As he started counting doors after the fish tank, he looked up. “Long Term Pediatric Oncology Ward” read the sign. Rey had never said exactly where she worked in the hospital. He looked at the door that read, Dr. Kanata, and pushed it open. Her office was just what he imagined, the walls were painted a soft green, and there were plants everywhere but the walls drew him in. There were letters and drawings all over them. One had a line drawing of who was probably Rey and a patient.

“Thank you Dr. Rey for helping my sister get better. Love, Allen,” he read aloud.

“A sweet kid, he came every day after school to be with his sister while she was here,” Rey was next to him. She leaned up and kissed him. He grasped her face in his hands. She was so warm all the time, even in the chilly hospital. Ben loved it. When she pulled back, he was sure they both had the most ridiculous smiles. A little knock sounded at the door.

Rey jumped backward and pushed her hands through her hair. Ben took a seat on the patient’s bed and took a deep breath.

“Come in,” Rey said. The door pushed open and a small girl, no more than seven years old, Ben guessed, ran in. Ben didn’t think he had ever been that small. She had bright blonde hair with purple tips and was wearing orange overalls and a yellow shirt. A memory sprang up of Kaydel using chalk to color her hair before fully committing to a new color.

“Dr. Rey, can you do the braids for my hair? Anna said you aren’t busy right now,” Ben had been doing so well with the casual sex thing.

Okay, no he wasn’t. But, putting an adorable child and Rey in his visual plane is not only unfair but cruel.

“Sabine, honey, I’m not sure,” Rey leaned down to her eye level. Sabine’s eyes got big and Ben knew exactly what was about to happen.

“But, for you, I can make the time,” Rey said simply. Sabine beamed at her. Finally, she looked at Ben.

“Oh, hi. Can you move?” She was adorable. It made Ben laugh but he moved over just the same.

“Sabine, that’s not very nice. Apologize to Ben please,” she looked apologetically at Ben over Sabine’s head. She had grabbed a small, black makeup bag from her desk.

“Oh, sorry Mr. Ben. Thank you for moving,” she was already crawling up to sit facing the wall.

“You’re welcome, Sabine.”

“Dr. Rey, will you sing the song?” Rey began to look a little uncomfortable as she pulled out a brush and some elastics.

“Which song do you want today?”

“The happily ever after sad song.” Ben had never been more confused about a song description before. But, Rey smiled softly down at the girl.

“Okay honey,” she said softly, “Your eyes whispered ‘have we met?’ Across the room, your silhouette starts to make its way to me. The playful conversation starts. Counter all your quick remarks, like passing notes in secrecy,” oh, this was even worse. Ben couldn’t stop staring as Rey smiled down at Sabine while she moved the brush through her hair. His mouth dropped open as she continued singing softly. She wasn’t a superstar but her voice was so soft and calming as she made her way through the song.

He had been so willing to take what he could have from Rey. He had suppressed the most romantic parts of him but this moment was undoing all the locks and opening the doors. Ben could see her doing the same things with a little girl with dark curly hair and her eyes. He could see himself holding the brushes and elastics for them.

“Please don’t be in love with someone else. Please don’t have somebody waiting on you,” she finished singing softly as she tied the elastic on the second braid. Sabine’s eyes were closed and she had a small smile on her face. She looked at peace. Rey ran her hands over the braids to loosen them up. Then, she picked Sabine up and gestured at Ben that she was going to take Sabine to her room.

He couldn’t do this. He had to tell her. It had been two months now, she had told him that he was the longest, consistent “relationship” she had. That had to mean something. He wanted everything with her. He would bring her anything she left behind any day for the rest of her life. Hell, he would come to visit her at work even if she hadn’t left anything behind. Ben was steeling his resolve when Rey pushed the door back open.

“Get that look off your face,” Rey laughed.

“What look?”

“I am the same girl, Ben. Just because you saw me with Sabine doesn’t mean anything,” she sighed out. She was standing over her desk putting away her hair supplies. Ben wanted to know how many children spent their days being sung to and having their hair braided. Would he ever be allowed to braid Rey’s hair?

“No, for sure, that did nothing for me,” he breathed out. Now wasn’t the time. He needed to plan. Rey’s back went straight for a minute as the office fell silent. When she turned, she had a smirk on her face and Ben smiled.

“I’m still the girl who sucked your dick outside that One Direction-themed rave we went to last week. You loved that, didn’t you Ben?” As much as he would die before telling the loft, Ben loved going to that rave. There was no way in hell that anyone he knew would be there and Rey had No Control on her sex playlist, it was a no-brainer to invite her with him. The DJ killed it and there were themed drinks and maybe they were a little tipsy when Rey pressed her body against his and said they needed to go outside for a minute. But, he was exhilarated by her. Rey lit every nerve on fire, even when he felt like he had been hollowed out. She made him feel like he wasn’t some sob story or just a step away from a villain origin story.

Ben grabbed Rey by the waist and smiled down at her. She flicked her eyes to his lips and he laughed.

“Remember, sweetheart, no one can know about that, for my sanity,” he whispered and captured her mouth with his.

“Mmm, are you sure? I’m sure Hux would love to hear about how much you loved-” he kissed her again. Rey smiled at him when he pulled away and leaned back in for a quick peck.

“Alright, I’m gonna head out.” He needed to think.

“Ok, do you wanna get dinner tonight for Halloween?”

“Oh, I actually have this thing I have been doing at night. My friend Poe owns a haunted house outside the city and he needed a favor. So, I was thinking you could come through tonight…” he trailed off.

“I don’t know Ben.”

“Please,” he was absolutely whining. Han would be so disappointed.

“We’ll see. I’ll text you when I’m off,” she smiled up at him. He smiled down at her and reached behind her to grab his jacket. He needed to go help Poe make caramel apples. The teenage girls who ran the shack had tests at school and needed to study so Poe called in another favor.


	2. it's so hard to be lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it all falls apart

“Ben, it goes in the chocolate before the sprinkles,” he was going to throw this chocolate all over Poe. He would shove a stick up his ass and display him to the guests instead if he didn’t stop micromanaging. Nonetheless, he did as he was told. For a while, they worked in silence.

“Ben, what’s going on? You haven’t been this tense since,” Poe trailed off. They both knew what he was referring to. Ben hadn’t been this pent up with emotions since the night before the First Order Trials began. Even after Tai, he was more numb than anything.

“It’s Rey.”

“Rey, your fuckbuddy? What about her?”

“I love her.” Ben hadn’t said that out loud before. It felt… big.

“Oh, Ben, no.”

“I do, Poe, I love her. I want to go on dates and take her to meet my parents. I want to take her flowers to work and braid her hair. I want to do everything with her and for her,” he breathed it all out. Everything that had invaded his thoughts, dreams, nightmares, his very being was out in the world now. He stared down at the vat of orange sprinkles. He knew that Poe was looking at him with pity. Poe had fallen in love with one of his hookups too, some woman named Amilyn. She had broken his heart when he tried to tell her and got married to someone else less than a year later.

“Ben, I love you. I just don’t want to see you hurt,” Poe whispered, “I know that this isn’t the same as Ami and I, but I want you to be careful.”

“I’m gonna tell her tonight.”

“Is she coming here?”

“She said she would try,” the caramel apple shack fell silent again. 

“Okay, how about this? If she comes in a costume you tell her.”

“I can’t not tell her Poe.” The door to the shack opened and Finn, Poe’s boyfriend, walked in. They both quickly fell silent. A couple of weeks into knowing Rey, he found out that Finn was her best friend. Ben needed to tell her on his own time, not because Finn can’t lie to her worth a damn.

“Poe, Phasma is here to do the refills on the fog machines, but you need to unlock the house,” Finn said as he came further in, “I’ll finish up with Ben, and then Hera and Paige should be here.” Poe kissed Finn and walked out without another word. Ben would never be able to come into the caramel apple shack again without feeling the remnant of how awkward this day has been.

“So, Rey said you came by the hospital today, I didn’t see you?” Finn questioned. He worked in Media Relations and Outreach but, as far as Ben knew, he was on the opposite side of the campus.

“She gave me really detailed directions to get to her office from that one parking lot,” better to tell the truth here.

“Oh, that makes sense. Her wing has so many doors,” he trailed off.

“Yeah.” For a long while, they worked in silence. Dipping the apple in caramel, then chocolate, then sprinkles, then putting it on the baking sheet. Over and over again. He heard Finn take a deep breath as though he was about to say something when the door slammed open and the girls ran in.

“Mr. Ben, we’re so sorry we’re late. We brought you coffee though,” Hera yelled. Paige thrust a large iced coffee at him. He inspected the cup.

“It’s got extra sweetener plus creamer and pumpkin spice like you get every night,” Paige was breathing heavily. They had to have run to the shack once they parked. Then, he noticed that Finn was just gaping at them. Finn had heard that he liked his coffee with more sugar than coffee in it. Oh no. Ben forgot to ask what he was going to tell him before the girls ran in.

“It’s no problem girls, we just finished up the prep work for the apples so you should be ready to go,” Ben told them. They were sweet kids. He walked them out to their cars each night and gave them pepper spray after the first week. Their parents called and were concerned, to say the least. He explained that he ran a security firm and had done contracts with college campuses so he was always concerned about teenagers walking around at night, alone. No one should be without protection. Hera’s mom hired him to look at cybersecurity for her interior design business and he ended up teaching Hera and Paige how to look at basic security concepts. Hux and Poe called them his proteges. Ben was finding it hard to disagree. He knew what it was like to feel as though you had no place in the world. The kids who worked here were all filled with so much light that he didn’t want the world to touch them. He kept “hiring” them and paying them way too much money to do random pieces of his local security contracts. Poe can’t pay them much more and he had “more money than God” according to Finn.

“Mr. Ben, is Rey coming tonight?” He took a sharp breath and Finn straightened up. The girls had met Rey after they were working with him on a contract for the school district. She came to bring him dinner while he was at an event and the girls were monitoring the online presence. She was effortless with them, talking about some TV show they all watched and how their classes were going.

“She’s going to try to. But, no promises.”

“Did you tell her to come to buy a caramel apple from us?” Hera was ever business-minded.

“Yeah, we wanted to talk to her about the season finale,” there it is. Ben laughed and grabbed his jacket.

“I have to go put on this costume one last time. Have fun tonight. Save me one of the orange sprinkle apples.” He left quickly and went to the “Crew Member Only” trailer to get ready. Poe was there, putting on the other executioner costume? Poe usually just ran around the site all night, he didn’t usually participate.

“I’m suiting up tonight, Benny. Randy called out because his girlfriend wanted to go trick or treating,” well, this is what Poe gets for hiring fifteen to seventeen-year-olds. They dressed in silence and grabbed their water bottles. He shot off a text with his food requests to the staff group chat so it could be delivered to his area of the house. A thousand messages from the food stand crews poured in to coordinate the delivery.

“You know you’re their mascot, right?” Poe chuckled. He never quite understood how Ben, emotionally-stunted and, honestly, deeply wounded Ben, became the teenagers’ favorite person. It started the first week when he made sure everyone had pepper spray and someone to walk them to their cars. Then, it evolved into making sure he was in every group chat. Then, he was hiring them to do odd jobs for small local contracts that he usually just took to fill his days and paying them way too much money. Then, he was helping with homework and organizing groups to go to sports games or performances. He had become the dad to fifty teenagers in six weeks.

“Yeah, I know.” And he did. In the past year, he went from having three friends, a broken heart, and no social life to having the loft, his friends, these teenagers he’s mentoring, and maybe the love of his life. They finished the walkthrough to their section of the house in silence. They met up with Phasma in shiny armor in their darkroom and flipped on the fog machines and light boards. The room was bathed in red light as the overhead speaker flicked on.

“Alright everyone, we’re starting in ten minutes,” it was Jyn doing the Haunted Announcements, “this is our last night so go all out. Hux and I will be watching the cameras. Make sure that in between groups, you send your food requests in the group chat. The cider boys would like to let everyone know that they bought three containers of cinnamon syrup to add to the apple cider if anyone wants that. The popcorn hut also has finally replaced the Tajin but will be rationing it so everyone has a chance to get some, looking at you K2 and Cassian. Lastly, the s’mores shed has requested that anyone working in the house that wants anything to please order it to go so that it still tastes good when you pick it up.” Ben laughed. The announcements were one of the best parts. At first, it irritated him that they dragged on so long but now, he loved it.

“Lastly, Ben’s Rey is coming through potentially tonight so everyone, BE COOL.” He smacked his forehead and Hux burst out laughing on the mic while Poe laughed in person. With that, the doors opened and they got to work.

\---

It had been hours and around six glasses of cinnamon apple cider later, but they were almost done. Just twenty more minutes and the season would be over. The soundtrack turned on which meant someone was coming. Ben crouched down by the door and flicked the LEDs on his mask off. Phasma stood towards the back of the room and Poe was in the middle. They heard quick footsteps and when he saw shoes in the doorway, he turned the mask on and loomed over them. 

Then, there was a blinding pain in his stomach and jaw.

\---

Ben stumbled out of the haunted house and was followed by, Rose? He felt a little out of it since she punched him and he hit the ground. His helmet knocked around a bit when he fell but he wasn’t sure he had a concussion. The tech teenagers were forming a wall and yelling a lot. He couldn’t focus.

“She’s my roommate, guys. It’s okay,” he managed to get out. They all turned to him and then looked back at Rose.

“She punched you, Mr. Ben. We work in a haunted house but that’s not okay.”

“We texted Hera and Paige. They said Rey was there and that they were coming here since they sold out of apples,” Wedge and Breha came running up. He sat down on the curb that was behind the house and just tried to breathe. The tech teens eased off a bit and Rose came to sit next to him.

“I’m so sorry Ben. I was trying to get to you and I freaked out when I saw the mask,” he knew she didn’t mean to. Breha came up and handed him his water bottle and another container of cider.

“Why were you trying to get to me?” the world was still spinning a bit but he was trying to keep up.

“I saw Rey when she walked in. She was texting some guy from an app and Poe texted earlier and said you were going to talk to her, I just,” she trailed off. The world had finally stopped spinning as Ben’s heart dropped out of his chest. Before he could even process that, they heard a shout.

“BEN,” it was Rey. Hera was next to her as they were jogging up to him and peeled off to talk to Breha. She wasn’t wearing a costume. His brain force-flicked back to what Poe said. Before he could move she was on the ground in front of him and grabbing his face. She was looking at his eyes. He followed her finger as she moved it around, answered her questions, and relished her presence. 

“Okay, love, I feel confident that you don’t have a concussion. The punch and fall just knocked the wind out of you a bit,” she said. She took his face in her small hands and kissed him. All the tech teens gasped and chittered as it happened.

“I love you, Rey,” he whispered out. Then, his brain recalled what Rose had told him just a few minutes ago. The moments dragged along the ground as she formed a response. 

“Ben,” her voice was barely there. When he looked up, her eyes were wide but her hands lingered on his cheeks.

“I know it’s soon and how we began but-” she cut him off.

“Ben, I don’t know what you want me to say,” they had built a cocoon on the curb but it was shattering. Things were about to change, irreparably. 

“Say you can fall in love with me. Say you want to move forward with me,” how she could hear him was astounding. The world they were in held its breath. He teetered between everything he thought he’d never have and the life he had resigned to.

“Ben, this isn’t what we agreed to,” he had to get out. He broke out of her hold and stood up.

“Then I can’t do this Rey. I have to make sure the kids all get home safe,” he ran his hand through his hair. The group must have heard him because they all came over with their backpacks and food. There was nothing left to call what they did but shepherding him away from her. They chattered on about the Christmas village that would start after Thanksgiving. Poe typically hired the same kids for both of the events. He tuned them out and thought about what he could have done wrong. 

He didn’t even turn around to see Rey and Rose arguing.


	3. tell me why, my love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and falls back together

Once everyone had gotten into their cars, Ben grabbed his own backpack and food packages. There was more than he asked for and, while he would usually give some away, tonight he would be selfish. He walked with the last group to the train station and waited to hop on. Breha and Wedge stood next to him on the platform as he stared blankly ahead. The train pulled in and it startled him. The kids all sat near him but he didn’t feel overwhelmed by them. 

“Mr. Ben,” it was Alex. She was one of the smallest tech kids so she crawled through areas to deliver food to him sometimes.

“What’s up?”

“Are you working in the Christmas village?” he sighed as he saw all of the hopeful eyes on him. Poe had been mentioning it to him, saying he could just help the tech team so he wouldn’t have to be out in public. He had shot him down thinking he would be spending time doing holiday things with Rey. Maybe driving to Boston to meet up with his parents, going to spend a weekend at the cabin, or picking out a Christmas tree. But… that wasn’t going to happen. He had a couple of big contracts but the in-person work will be done before the village opens.

“Yeah, kid. I’m gonna work in the Village. I just have to talk to Mr. Poe to get some stuff ironed out,” but that was a concern for next week. The kids all smiled and the noise swelled up as they started talking about how cute the uniforms would be for the village. Ben smiled, maybe he could move forward, even if it was only to the end of the year.

He bid goodbye to Wedge and Breha as they turned to head into their apartment building and he trudged up the stairs. The elevator was too isolating. He walked into 3B and saw everyone sitting in the living room. Poe, Hux, Jannah, Kaydel, Rose were all there. The loft seemed to take a breath. Luckily, his room was in the first entryway. He pushed open his door and walked inside.

He laid down on his bed and took a deep breath. Only then, did the tears start leaking out of his eyes. He let them fall down his cheeks and onto the bed. He had been tied together by a string to make sure everyone was safe and okay, and now, he wasn’t. He wanted to throw the executioner’s mask at the wall and destroy his room but, instead, he started taking deep breaths. With every breath, he remembered their time together.

\---

_“I’m not fragile Ben,” she had told him after they finished that first night._

_“Never thought you were, sweetheart.” She climbed on top of him._

_“You’re a big guy, you can be rough on me,” he looked up at her and grabbed her hips. He smiled up at her._

_“Is that what you want? Someone to keep you in line,” he rasped out. He wound one of his hands into her hair as it fell around her shoulders._

_“Sometimes.” They grinned at each other and he rolled them over._

_\---_

_“I’m just saying that Galaxy Trek isn’t necessarily better than Galaxy Wars, it’s just more consistent,” she was waving a french fry in his face. They had been at this for however long it took for them to go through five orders of fries and two milkshakes each._

_“Excuse you, Galaxy Wars is a masterpiece-” she cut him off._

_“THEY KILLED OFF KIRA AND EXILED MATT, BENJAMIN,” she screamed. They both looked around the diner. Luckily for them, they were in New York and no one could care less at ten o’clock at night._

_“I’m just saying,” she continued, “that they had opportunity after opportunity to explore the complicated nature of redemption and atonement and instead they went with the evangelical line of ‘the best way to be redeemed is to die, literally and metaphorically’ which is lazy storytelling at its’ best.”_

_“You’re not wrong but, excluding that, it’s a masterpiece. Galaxy Trek has too many storylines to follow them coherently,” he egged her on. She took a deep breath and her face got red, Ben knew they were going to be there for a while yet._

_\---_

_They were breathing heavily as he collapsed onto the bed. He turned onto his side to see Rey flushed and golden in the lights of her room. They sat in silence for a moment, just looking at each other. Rey smiled. Then, both of their stomachs made their presence known._

_“Do you want to order pizza?” He nodded vigorously. She laughed and wrapped a sheet around her to grab her phone._

_“No pineapple Rey. I mean it,” he called out._

_\---_

_“It’ll be fun, love,” she was on his lap and whispering in his ear. They were at Hux’s rebranding party or whatever he had come up with to not be disappointed that Rose had a new boyfriend. All Ben knew was that he needed to get a grip because he was going to let Rey do whatever she wanted to him, even in this booth._

_“Rey, we both told Hux that we would be here for moral support,” he cleared his throat. Her lips were on his neck and her hands were creeping up his thighs._

_“We will be here, technically, we’ll just be in the backroom,” Ben wanted to be a good person. He wanted to support his best friend’s weird ways to get over a girl he never technically dated. He really did. But, instead, he grabbed Rey by the waist and put her on her feet._

_“Let’s go,” he said through gritted teeth. Her eyes lit up at the thought of winning against him. He grabbed her hand and pulled her through The Cantina to the tiny back room and pushed her inside. He flicked the lights and turned around. Rey surged forward and he grabbed her. As he pushed her towards the wall, her eyes got brighter._

_“You think you’re cute, don’t you?” He growled it out. She nodded up at him._

_“Come on, you were so good at using your words at the booth, go ahead and use them. Do you think getting me hard at my best friend’s party and being a brat was cute?”_

_“Yeah-” he pulled her up and wound her legs around his waist and put her up against the cinder block._

_“Excuse me, you’re going to treat me with respect if you want anything from me tonight,” he sneered at her as he reached under her dress._

_Later, she would say that was the hottest sex they had ever had as they ate frozen yogurt. Ben would laugh and kiss her._

_“Don’t use it as an excuse to be a dick, alright sweetheart?” She absolutely would._

_\---_

_“Come on Ben,” she was pulling him down the street. It didn’t take any effort for him to jog along with her. The Bowery Ballroom loomed in front of them. The marquee read “Midnight Memories” and he smiled down at Rey. She had glitter on her face and her collar bones. Her leather skirt and “vintage” One Direction tour shirt that he found her at a thrift store in Chelsea made his heart stop every time he looked at her. How she hadn’t killed him yet, he would never know._

_“The event page said that there are gonna be themed drinks, we need them all,” she was yelling, and people were turning to stare, but he couldn’t care. He just leaned down to kiss her and they stepped into line._

\---

His memory was interrupted by a knock at the door. He wiped at his face. 

“Not tonight, guys,” he said softly. As he stood and looked out the window at the world that still held both him and Rey in it, but never together. The door creaked open but he wouldn’t turn around. He watched the lights in the building across the street turn on and off. Ben realized he didn’t even know what time it was, but what did it matter now? This day had lasted forever already. He felt someone come up behind him and grab his hand, he didn’t mean to but he flinched.

“Love, please look at me,” this was a joke. She wasn’t in his room and never would be again. He had fallen asleep on his bed and now he was torturing himself subconsciously. He felt her turn him around and sit him on the bed. He wouldn’t open his eyes because she would be gone, forever this time. He felt hands on his face and leaned into them. He had to open his eyes. She was there, in a Kira costume, an all-black robe with tight black pants. He smiled despite himself and she wiped his tears away.

“Ben, I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you,” she whispered. He strained his ears to hear her and his eyes filled again.

“It’s my fault, I wanted more than you had to give,” his throat hurt from crying. Rey’s eyes started watering too and he, slowly, lifted his hand to her face to wipe her tears.

“No, you didn’t, Ben. You were so brave and sweet and good, and I was, I am scared. No one has ever just wanted me without wanting something before,” her voice was thick and Ben was reminded of Rey’s life before her parents adopted her.

“I love you, Rey. But, I only want to come home to you and I can’t-” he cut himself off and looked away from her. He couldn’t look at her and say anything else.

“I can’t watch you with anyone else. I know that makes me selfish but, it’s who I am. After everything, I’m a one-person guy,” he cleared his throat. It was out there. He can’t take it back.

“Ben, look at me,” she grasped his face and turned him towards her. He looked up into her eyes and saw the entire world in them. He saw everything they had and everything they could have been.

“I have never been in love and I thought I never would be. My job is my life, I never thought that anyone would be able to work around my schedule and not suffocate me, until you. The past two months have felt effortless and overwhelming all at once. When you told me,” she took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes, “when you told me you loved me, I was scared that our bubble would be ruined. That somehow we would never be the same once that was out there. While Rose was yelling at me, I realized that I never wanted to see you walk away from me again. I felt so completely alone. I love you, Ben, and everything about you.” He surged up and kissed her and, at that moment, he knew it wasn’t a dream. She was here and she wanted him. He pulled away and smiled at her. She laughed as he tugged her down on top of him.

“Say it again,” he begged.

“I love you, Ben Solo, and I want to be your girlfriend,” she kissed him again, short and sweet.

“Wait,” Ben hated himself for interrupting this but he was going to do it anyways, “when did Rose yell at you?”

“After the kids dragged you away, she and I were left on the curb and she yelled at me about how much you cared and that I shouldn’t lead my hookups on for like ten minutes. To be honest, I only listened to the first two minutes of it and then I was thinking about what to do. She didn’t like that,” Ben laughed.

“No, she would not. Why are you in a Kira costume?”

“I had it with me but when you got hurt, I didn’t have time to change into it before I saw you,” he thought back to what Poe said and smiled.

“I love you,” it was now a fact of the universe. Like the electoral college being stupid or that La Guardia is one of the circles of hell, it was just true.

“This doesn’t mean I like Galaxy Wars more than Galaxy Trek.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, sweetheart,” he leaned up to kiss her again. They leaned back and paused, just looking at each other and taking it in.

“So, I told the kids that I would work at the Christmas village,” they heard a whoop from beyond the door. Well, that would answer if everyone was acting like adults or not. Rey laughed and he knew that the world had shifted for him and he would hold onto this for as long as she let him.


End file.
